Montana Blizzard Will Reach Alabama, President Says

Real Fake News Special Reports
Washington, D. C.

The four feet of snow that hit Browning, Montana this past weekend will likely reach Birmingham, Alabama, according to a map displayed by President Trump in the Oval Office. The map showed the hard-hit area of western Montana in red, but also included a large black loop that swooped down to the Gulf Coast state. Asked by an RFN reporter if the President thought it odd that several feet of snow would fall in a state whose temperatures were currently in the 80s and 90s, Mr. Trump said, “No, not at all. Climate change can happen on a dime. I’ll be heading down to Birmingham to toss out some rolls of paper towels to all the victims.”

President Defends Conversation With Ukraine President

Asked if he thought pressuring a foreign government to find dirt on his political opponents and withholding congressionally appropriated taxpayer funds for failing to do so was an impeachable offense, President Trump said that all presidents do that, and Hillary Clinton’s emails are outrageous and Congress ought to be investigating Benghazi. Reminded that some other Democrat would be his 2020 opponent, the President replied that “Biden had probably been to Benghazi” and had some “really bad” emails also. “And I’m one of the tallest presidents we’ve ever had,” Mr. Trump added.

President Offers to Buy Canada and Alaska

Real Fake News Special Reports
Washington, D. C.

President Offers to Buy Canada

President Trump, rebuffed by the Danish Prime Minister after offering to buy Greenland, approached Prime Minister Trudeau of Canada with an offer to buy Canada and Alaska. Told by a Real Fake News reporter that we already own Alaska, Mr. Trump responded by saying “Well then my offer just went down by one million dollars.” Trudeau said that he appreciated the President’s generous gesture, but felt that a majority of Canadians might object. Trump stated that negotiations were ongoing, and once the purchase was made, he would name the vast new territory Trumplandia.

President Sends Aid to Hurricane Victims in Alabama

President Trump released $4.2 million in financial assistance to “the sad victims of Hurricane Dorian in Alabama.” He added that he planned to visit the state and personally toss out rolls of paper towels “to all the people who had lost so much.” On the White House lawn he told reporters that he was “especially thankful that the hurricane missed Montana, which is right beside Alabama.”

Trump Proposes Dropping Nuclear Bomb on Everglades

The White House announced that President Trump is considering dropping an atomic bomb in the Everglades to rid the area of the ever-growing population of invasive boa constrictors. He said that current methods are not working, adding that he “hates those slimy things.” Former National Security Adviser John Bolton told the President that the snakes do pose a security risk, but that a nuclear response seemed excessive, which seemed to annoy Mr. Trump. Asked if he thought the radiation would be a problem for nearby Miami, he replied that “radiation is just more fake science, and besides, the snakes would absorb all of it anyway. We’ll see what happens.”

2018: The Year in Review with REAL Fake News

PRESIDENT SIGNS MAJOR BOOK DEAL

Washington

President Trump recently signed a book deal for an undisclosed sum with Knopf Publishers. The book, My Struggle, chronicles the president’s life from his days as a struggling young artist on the streets of New York through his election to the White House. In a Rose Garden ceremony, he noted that the book would have a much larger reading audience than President Obama’s, and would be a much greater book than all the other presidents’ books, with the possible exception of Lincoln’s. When a reporter observed that Lincoln did not write any books, Mr. Trump responded that in that case his would be the best ever in addition to being the most widely read. Asked by a REAL Fake News reporter if the book is an autobiography, the president angrily replied, “No, I wrote it myself.”

REAL Fake News

TRUMP HIRES VOCABULARY COACH

Washington

In Monday’s daily press briefing, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders announced that the president had hired Dr. Thomas Huffmeister as Presidential Vocabulary Coach and Adviser. Huckabee-Sanders said that the president had heard from top advisers that previous presidents had used words like “sanguinary,” “palliate,” and “sophistries,” and that the president felt that he should “up his game.” Speaking with REAL Fake News, Huffmeister, who is President of the American Academy of Vocabulary Coaches, noted that the president is a quick learner and had already mastered this week’s Level One word, “toxic,” and had used it in several tweets. When asked by RFN if the rate of one word per week was a little slow, Huffmeister stated that most of his clients, citing busy schedules, chose the one-word-per-week module and that the daily word module was usually reserved for advanced students. Huffmeister said that his job would be working with the president on pronunciation, spelling, and contextual usage.

REAL Fake News

TRUMP HIRES, THEN FIRES, VOCABULARY COACH

Washington

Recently hired Vocabulary Coach Dr. Thomas Huffmeister was abruptly fired by President Trump after Huffmeister insisted to the president that “covfefe” was not an actual word, according to unnamed White House sources. As earlier reported by REAL Fake News, Huffmeister had praised the president’s progress with his mastery of the Level One word “toxic,” and yesterday he noted that the president had already progressed to the next week’s Level One word, “somber.” “Our plan was to work on adjectives for the first three months,” Huffmeister stated. However, tension was building between the president and his coach after Huffmeister attempted to explain to the president the differences between the words “heel” and “heal” and “their” and “there.” According to the unnamed source, the president exploded after Huffmeister showed him that “covfefe” was not in the Oxford English Dictionary. Nevertheless, the president told REAL Fake News that “Dr. Huffmeister is a really great guy with a really huge future. It was just a big covfefe.”

REAL Fake News

TRUMP TOUTS ORGANIZATIONS’ SUPPORT

Washington

President Trump, facing growing criticism of his comments blaming the Charlottesville tragedy on “both sides,” issued a written statement listing various academic and professional organizations supporting his recent extemporaneous statements at Trump Tower. Noting that “there is no moral equivalence since the two sides are just the same,” the president praised the leaders of the Global Cooling National Front, the John Muir Clear-Cut Logging Federation, the American Phrenological Association, the Men’s Temperance and Anti-Evolution Coalition, the Society of Biblical Inerrantists, the North American Organization of Alien Abductees, the International League of Clairvoyants and Mind Readers, the Southern Scientology Society, the Four Humours Medical Association, the Midwestern Academy of Fantasists, and the Ladies’ Auxiliary of the American Slavery Denial League. The president commented that “No other president has had the support of these organizations,” and he invited their leaders to a White House dinner and offered them 10% discounts at Trump International Hotel five blocks from the White House for a minimum three-night stay.

REAL Fake News

SAUDI PRINCE SENDS HIT SQUAD TO KILL POPE; NEW TRUMP DILEMMA

Washington

After President Trump said “The United States intends to remain a steadfast partner of Saudi Arabia” and “we’re not going to give up billions of dollars” after the CIA concluded that Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman ordered the murder of U. S. resident and Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, Vatican sources claimed that the Crown Prince felt emboldened to go after the Pope, who has also been critical of Saudi Arabia, with an assassination team that flew into Rome on a Saudi jet last Tuesday. Four of the estimated seven unsuccessful assassins were caught with long-range sniper rifles, and all were known to the CIA as associates of the Crown Prince according to a CIA spokesperson. When asked about the incident, President Trump interrupted his golf game and stated that “it could have been some fat guy who had a beef with the Pope, OK?” Following the President’s 18 hole round, in which he noted that he shot a 63, he met with journalists and said “the Pope doesn’t get everything right, believe me, and the prince has let women drive and everything, OK?”

REAL Fake News

OBAMA ADMITS HE FOUNDED ISIS

Chicago

Former President Barack Obama acknowledged to a REAL Fake News reporter in a wide-ranging interview on Wednesday that President Trump had been correct when he charged Obama with being the actual founder of ISIS. The former president noted that he had thought that the group which ultimately became ISIS was a Muslim self-help organization, and, when originally contacted by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, he agreed to serve as founder if al-Baghdadi would handle the day-to-day work as Mullah-in-Chief. Obama said that he was “stunned” when he attended the inaugural session of the organization in Kandahar and saw “all these guys standing around with machine guns.”

REAL Fake News

TRUMP CLAIMS RELIGIOUS CONVERSION

Washington

President Trump told reporters that after reading the entire Young Reader’s Illustrated New Testament over two nights that he spent alone in the White House over Christmas, he experienced a total religious conversion. Noting that staying in the White House by himself was “kind of creepy,” Mr. Trump stated that he “had no idea about this religion stuff” and spoke of a “big deal experience” that has changed his life forever. “That Jesus dude was pretty tough, believe me,” the president elaborated. “I feel like a whole new man,” he noted, and promised that his “lying days are over.” Asked by an RFN reporter if he was familiar with the biblical admonition that a camel has a better chance of getting through the eye of a needle than a rich man has of getting into heaven, he replied that that was a new one for him but “it sounds good to me” and that he would sell all his properties and “give the money to the poor.”

 

REAL Fake News

 

Vlad’s New Puppy

Vlad’s New Puppy

The recent two hour meeting between Presidents Putin and Trump in Helsinki was attended only by their interpreters. No summaries were provided, no cameras allowed, and little has been officially revealed about what was discussed. However, Real Fake News has acquired a transcript of the meeting based on a secret recording of the conversation from a small recorder hidden in the brassiere of the American translator, an immigrant named Irina Tryaskova, whose family fled the Soviet Union in 1986. The transcript, fully translated into English by Ms. Tryaskova, is presented here for the first time.

Trump: Hey, Vlad, so incredibly great to see you again. I have been watching some more of your speeches and they are just so great. I’ve been learning a lot and. . . .

Putin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Donnie Boy. I think you need to remember which way power flows in this relationship. You are never, repeat, never, to call me “Vlad.” I am President Putin to you and all your people. That better not happen again.

Trump: I’m sorry sir, it was a slip. I really didn’t mean to—I’m just so, so respectful and I like being around you and I just got a little carried away. So please, maybe you could just forget that that slipped out?

Putin: Yeah, whatever. One of the few things I like about you is that you are good at kicking down, but you must always remember the other half: you kiss UP.

Trump: Oh, that’s good sir. Kick down, kiss up. I’ve got it. I’ll have a plaque made and put it on my desk, and I’ll have my people memorize it. You are so smart. Maybe I should have plaques made for them too, do you think?

Putin: Yeah, you do that. Now here are some more things I want you to do.

Trump: Tryaskova, give me a pencil. OK, fire away, sir.

Putin: First, and you better get this right, you keep right on denying that I had anything to do with meddling in your elections. You say publicly and firmly that you accept my denial, that you believe me, and that your intelligence services must be mistaken. And in fact, Donnie, you need to rein them in a little more. A lot of Americans are wondering why you are taking my word over the CIA reports, and I don’t like that. So you gotta be more convincing, understand?

Trump: OK, sir, but I’m doing the best I can, but some damned liberals still want to believe the CIA and FBI. Sarah’s doing her best too. I mean I’ve still got Nunes and the Republicans on his committee backing me up, but that damned McCain, Corker, and Flake can’t keep their mouths shut. And if I get rid of them, the Democrats will blame you. And the fake news, and all the Democrats—it’s just so hard, sir. I don’t have all the resources you have, and I just, well, don’t really, (sniff) don’t know what else to do (sniff, sniff). . . .

Putin: Quit sniveling, Donnie. Just keep calling it fake news. And while you’re at it, I want you to fire that Mueller bastard.

Trump: Sir, I really want to, but I’m afraid it could blow up our whole relationship and I could get impeached.

Putin: Well, I’ll put that firing on the shelf for a little longer, but you keep calling it a witch hunt and doing everything else to stop it. Put the screws to your flunkies in congress. Command and control, Donnie, command and control. And a couple of other things. No talk of Ukraine or Crimea, they’re mine and your job is to say nothing on that. And that recording system we installed at your desk—turn it louder. My boys are saying they can’t hear the conversation well enough when you’re on the other side of the Oval Office. And keep attacking NATO; I want that gone, history, by the time you leave office. You’re doing a fair job of blasting Trudeau, Merkel, Macron, and May—I particularly liked your saying that “Germany is totally controlled by Russia.” You ought to get some kind of Oscar for that one.

Trump: Thank you, Mr. President. Coming from you that’s a compliment I’ll treasure. I didn’t even really plan to say it, and I certainly hope it didn’t offend you. It just sort of came out.

Putin: A couple of other things before we go out and meet “the enemy of the people”—that was a good one too, Donnie. Those bastards in the press really are the enemy, and that’s why I have to pop one or two of them off every now and then, and maybe you need to be thinking about that too. But anyway, my guys are working on your mid-term elections, and as long as you keep your nose clean, you won’t have to worry about 2020 either. Just keep saying it’s some fat guy in bed or whatever crap you threw at them last time. Oh, and I saw where you told the Ecuadorans that you’d impose tariffs and cut military aid if they pushed a resolution endorsing breast-feeding at the upcoming World Health Organization meeting. And they got the message. I don’t have a problem with you trying to protect your baby formula industry—up to a point. But I’m thinking my people are going to offer that same resolution for Russia—you know, showing how concerned we are for the little kiddies, and when we do, there won’t be a peep out of you and your people, right?

Trump: Oh, yes sir, I mean no sir, right. Absolutely right. I think breast-feeding is the best thing—Moms, dads, everybody should breast-feed, and. . . .

Putin: By the way, I’ve been thinking that we got snookered on that Alaska deal a hundred and fifty years ago. I’m not gonna ask for it back, but I want $100 million a year for your remaining years in office. Straight into my account. I don’t care where you get it.

Trump: Gosh, that could be hard. Sorry, I didn’t mean that, don’t worry a bit, I’m sure I can find it somewhere, sir. Maybe I’ll call it foreign aid or hide it somewhere in the defense budget. Or maybe repairs to Mar-a-Lago. But yeah, that Alaska deal really wasn’t fair to you, and we need to correct that. I’d be honored to do that.

Putin: I’ve also been thinking I’d like to come to the White House for a little visit, and experience some of what you call pomp and circumstance.

Trump: Oh, would you sir? That would be the greatest thing! Our countries are so alike and it would be just such an honor for me and my people to have you as our greatest guest ever. If you’d just stay a day or two it would be wonderful. You can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom and everything! I am so excited—we’ll get started on it right away.

Putin: OK, you can announce that in a few days. But right now we’re going out there, and you’re gonna say how you accept my denial of interference in your elections, and how good a guy I am, and how your intelligence people got it wrong, and how maybe your press and congress have gotten me and Russia wrong. And you’re gonna say how NATO is outdated and you’re not going to come to the defense of Montenegro in case somebody got interested in taking over that little so-called country. I might even give you a soccer ball from our World Cup games. So smile for the camera, Donnie, and don’t forget to turn up the volume on that recorder at your desk.

Trump: Got it, sir. It’s been great listening to you. It’s been greater than great. It’s been greatness, you know, greater than great gets, I mean really, really great. Really, really great. Greatness to the max. The greatest greatness. Anyway, you can depend on me, sir.

So This Is Leadership

It is as if the Republican primary season is a kind of pageant of clowns paraded before us for our entertainment, until we realize that the person the Republicans eventually embrace could be the clown leading—so to speak—the free world. A few have already strutted their time upon the stage and made their inglorious, sometimes hilarious, exits. Mr. Pawlenty did not even make it to the first round, taking a roundhouse on the chin from pugilist and right winger extraordinaire Michele Bachman, who herself predicted victory in Iowa and came in about last, and soon slouched toward stage right. One wonders whether such impoverished prognosticating ability is the result of her living on another planet or simple lying. Rick Perry came as a whirlwind, and—oops—departed, tail tucked between his rear Texan legs, still trying to remember which departments he was going to get rid of. Oops—forgot. Why didn’t he take that high school debate class? Then it was Herman Cain capturing conservative hearts, answering any and all questions with 9-9-9—that is until the ghosts of sexual harassments and philanderings past rather literally disenchanted his previously charmed following. Gee, who would have thought that those little peccadilloes might come out if you were running for president? Jon Huntsman actually seemed to understand foreign policy and have a modicum of rationality, at least politically, and thus he was summarily dispatched as gravely unqualified.

As of mid-February, four still cling to hope and continue to slip and slide in the mud pit for our amusement. We may begin with Newt “Moonbeam” Gingrich’s lunacy, which is apparently quite literal. We can only hope that if his lunar colonizing fantasies should become public policy, he will be the first colonist to leave earth’s bonds and that he and Calista have a fine old time raising several litters of little Moonbeams, all joyfully setting high jump records among the craters. He will be on the dark side, naturally, where the prying eyes and chiding tongues of the fourth estate cannot go. But at least he’s a monogamist, serial though it may be. Poor old Mitt apparently believes…well, let’s just pass over that business about the angel and the ancient golden plates written in Egyptian that were dug up in Joseph Smith’s New York back yard a while back. Let’s move on to pandering, Mitt’s acknowledged forte. Mitt has raised pandering to such an art form that he has to ask his campaign manager every morning what state they are in so as to determine what his core beliefs are for the day. While courting those Michiganders, he sure wished he had not pontificated a couple of years ago about how GM should not have received a bailout—most of which it has now repaid—and should have been left to go bankrupt. As Master Chameleon, he’s hoping to slither and buy his way out of it. Go Super PAC! Soon he will be betting Rick Santorum $10,000 that he didn’t say it. Meanwhile Santorum has made a religion of religiosity, and, to borrow from Twain, gives a fine speech where the truth is not a concern. Actually all three have a well-honed skill in that department. Santorum does not even need to express his opposition to abortion; he goes apoplectic just thinking about the evils of contraception—but of course he and the other Republicans don’t want the government in people’s personal lives. Rick’s view of contraception is reminiscent of Charles II’s observation that Roman Catholicism is no religion for a Christian. Santorum would be fine if we actually wanted to retreat to the fourteenth century. After all, the Inquisition and all those burnings at the stake had their good points. Dr. Paul, on the other hand, has studied the teachings of Dr. Mesmer and persuaded the adoring eyes of modern youth and other naïfs that reality is an illusion, and nirvana is inexpensive and just around the corner, if we will only get rid of the Fed.

I say let’s bring back monarchy.

John R. Rachal
February 21, 2012

Oh, Mr. Republican! Over here!

Oh, Mr. Republican! Over here, please! I have a question! Why do you support the right of the uninsured free-rider to run or be carried to the hospital, incurring considerable health care costs, which the hospital simply passes on to you and me in the forms of higher hospital and insurance bills? Why does he get a free ride that I have to pay for? Wasn’t that exactly the reason that you and your fellow Republicans proposed the idea of the health care mandate back in the early 90s? Oh, Mr. Republican, please don’t turn away! Come back!

John Rachal

November 14, 2011